Author: Phoebe Hutchison
Simple strategies to ensure you have the best possible relationship with your child. Know what to do, and what to avoid, to best parent your child or teenager.
All good parenting begins with a strategy that ensures both the parent and child’s needs are met, in a loving, mutually beneficial, relationship. If a good strategy is not in place, both can become frustrated, angry and disconnected, negatively impacting on the child, the parents relationship and the household. Feel free to use the following twelve steps to improve your parenting skills and your child’s future:
1 Quality time
Aim for 30 minutes quality time per day with each child. Children thrive on attention, and they need your attention more than anyone else’s. Give your child 30 minutes, undivided attention per day, and watch this relationship blossom.
2 Listen attentively
If you can’t listen, make a time to listen properly. Show your child that you are listening, by using listening cues, such as ‘ah ha’ and nods. The more interested you become in their world, the more you will enjoy them, and the more they will thrive!
Praise constantly. When you praise their strengths at any opportunity, you are increasing their self-esteem, which influences their ability to have confidence, make friends, and feel motivated at school, and succeed!
Be critical of actions, not critical of your child. Children are very fast to believe criticism. When you are commenting on what they have done, be careful you criticize their actions, not them! If you are furious, you may wish to calm down, before you speak. Words can hurt and devastate children, as they often hear a parent’s words, and take interpret these words as a personal attack –thus damaging their self-esteem. So knock the action; not the child.
Constructive Criticism: “That was a dangerous thing to do, you could’ve been hurt”. Versus Personal Attack: “You idiot. Why were you so stupid!”
Encourage autonomy (support child’s interests, if safe and practical). Children are little adults in the making. Children do not ‘belong to us’. They are on loan, for only 18 years, and then they have greater freedom of choice. When we support their interests, we show love. Children need to feel independent, set their own goals, as this is character building, and will help them later in life, in adulthood.
Children feel happier, more secure, and thrive more, in a world of boundaries, rules and consequences. Boundaries may include household rules, routines such as bedtimes, inappropriate language, respecting others, respecting property, sharing with siblings, allowing others to talk at dinner, having chores, and having pocket money (only if chores are done). Think about cows that enter a new paddock. They walk the perimeter, to ‘test the boundaries’ before settling down. Children will test the boundaries, giving parents the opportunity to reinforce using appropriate consequences. Studies show that your child will actually respect you more, enhancing this parent/child relationship, if you have provide them with healthy boundaries and rules.
Children need consequences. Children learn, change and behave through a series of reactions in their environment. If they feel that their actions have no consequences, they will do as they please. The parent will feel a lack of control, which will frustrate the parent, and only add to the disconnection and anger in this relationship. Ironically, to have a close, loving relationship with your child, he/she must behave, or suffer the consequences (i.e. lose pocket money, have iPod confiscated for a day, lose TV privileges, not be driven to the party Saturday). We shape our children when we praise and reward good behavior. We also shape our children’s behavior when we discourage negative behavior by giving consequences.
8 Respect your child
Show them that respect in every opportunity. I once saw a lady yell at her child, ‘Stop yelling at me!’ I laughed to myself, as she was displaying the type of interaction she did not want. Of course children copy. Children imitate TV show characters, cartoons, their friends, teachers, siblings. We are constantly showing them how to behave. So talk to your child lovingly, with respect, and if they yell, ensure that you tell them, ‘sorry, I am not talking to you until you talk respectfully’. We teach people how to treat us, so only tolerate, and display, appropriate behavior.
Explain to your child that it is ok to feel angry, upset, frustrated, but it is not ok to throw things, hit people, or damage property. Show them appropriate use of feelings, including diarizing, talking about their feelings, and possibly discussing how thoughts turn into feelings, so they can examine, and maybe replace some ‘unhelpful thoughts’. You may wish to do this with a child counsellor/psychologist, if they have a lot of negative thoughts and feelings. Young children respond well to various cartoon faces, showing emotion, which can be found on the internet. Help children identify their emotions, why they feel that way, and help them channel these emotions in an appropriate fashion. Normalize that it is ok to be angry, upset, scared, frustrated, help them identify these feelings, and then use listening skills to help them discuss these feelings. For eg. Tell them, if you are angry, it is ok to tell your brother, ‘Stop!’ if he is annoying you, or tell someone, or walk away; it is not appropriate to hit people.
If children do not receive enough quality attention, they will misbehave to get your attention. They would rather get your ‘positive attention’, but if that is not available, they will aim for your ‘negative attention’. Rats, in experiments, have been known to press a lever to have an electric current go through them, rather than be bored. Children are no different, they would rather be yelled at, than bored…so DON’T LET THEM BECOME BORED! Pre-plan activities so they have plenty to do. Also ensure you continue to give them your daily ‘positive attention’.
Be assertive, not aggressiveness, to ensure all needs are met. Assertiveness is firmly ensuring actions are carried out, without angry voice tones, hostility, threats or fear. Assertiveness is making sure boundaries are followed, chores are completed, homework is done, family members are respected, etc. It is not yelling; it is speaking up when something needs to be mentioned (or followed through). In relationships, people may be ‘walked on’, disrespected, anger can build, people can become angry and aggressive, and can eventually ‘snap’, and become violent, if partners are not assertive. When I talk to couples, I recommend couples talk to each other in ‘mini-meetings’, stating ‘I want…’, ‘I need…’ or ‘I feel…’, rather than talking in an accusation style. An assertive parent could do the same. Instead of saying, ‘You never keep your room tidy’, which may come across as a personal attack, an assertive parent could say, ‘I expect this room to be kept tidy, in order for you to earn your pocket money’. If a child is throwing a ball in the lounge room, the child needs a warning. ‘We respect the lounge room, or we will not be able to use the lounge room tonight.’ If the child continues to throw a ball in the lounge room, the child needs to be told to remove themself from the lounge, and miss the family TV watching as a consequence. ‘If you cannot respect the lounge room, you need to stay out of the lounge room for tonight’.
When we praise, give attention, listen, love, support and encourage our child, we increase their self-esteem. When parents use emotional blackmail, are quick to criticize, control through excess use of power, frequently put down and rarely praise the child, they encourage poor self-esteem, which leaves a child with feeling disapproved of, humiliated, insecure, inadequate, making the child’s life more challenging.
Every interaction you have with your child is either positive, or harmful, for their self-esteem. Because a healthy self-esteem equips your child with the many traits needed for emotional stability, EVERY interaction you have with your child has an impact on how they cope today, and how they cope (and succeed) in the future.
(Feel free to print this article out or give a copy to your friends so that more parents can benefit from a simple, but effective, strategy).Learn More
Author: Phoebe Hutchison
© 2016 Phoebe Hutchison Qualified Counsellor and Author of Honeymooners Forever, Twelve Step Marriage Survival Guide and Are You Listening? Life is Talking to You
Depression is an altered state of brain chemistry that impacts a person’s mood, body, and life detrimentally. Depression is often a result of a life imbalance. When we resolve the life imbalance, and give the person tools to have power over thought, grieve well, and they become connected to their life again, the imbalance, and the depression, often become a thing of the past. When a person is coping well again in most areas of their life, depression symptoms usually subside.
This article will discuss the signs of a depressed person, and give you a glimpse inside their world, as well as outline contributing factors for depression. This should equip you and your loved one with the strategies to improve your relationship, and lives, despite depression.
Living with a depressed family member is full of challenges; some people feel cheated by the changes in their loved one’s actions and attitudes, others feel heartbroken and many become emotionally disconnected, eventually fracturing the relationship.
What are the signs of a depressed spouse or family member?
Has your loved one changed and become negative, often pessimistic about almost everything? Has he or she become quieter, emotionally withdrawn, simultaneously becoming unavailable for many family activities? Have they cut down on socializing, seem disinterested in work, family, school, or life? Have they increased emotional eating, drinking of alcohol or drug taking? Has your partner or family member become moody and easily angered? One client said, ‘My husband seems to be a shell – as if he has no soul,’ and another client said, ‘He’s no fun anymore; he’s just not the same person he was five years ago, before the depression.’ One woman said about her son, ‘He’s always angry.’ One man said, ‘My wife is constantly sad, and hardly talks, yet she has so many great things in her life… It doesn’t make sense.’
These sentiments are common. While the contributing factors in depression vary from person to person, the way depression appears ‘from the outside’ is strikingly similar.
How does it feel to have depression?
The daily walk with depression is a crippling one; relationships with family members, friends, colleagues, and life in general, all become more difficult and painful. The depressed person usually feels oppressed, and caged in, either by self-imposed restrictions or perceived (or real) external limitations placed on them.
In most cases, unresolved grief and loss is at the core of depression. For men, it is often a loss of a relative or friend, job loss, or loss of a healthy status in the primary relationship. For women, it is often a loss of a child, miscarriage, feeling trapped in the primary relationship, or not following their passions. For children, it is often the loss of autonomy; feeling as though they are powerless, and have little choices in life, combined with negative thinking and emotional overwhelm. For everyone, depression can lead to a feeling of no hope, which is a major contributing factor in suicidal thinking.
The depressed person lives in the shadows of self-condemnation, anger and frustration. As they over-focus on their defeats and weaknesses, causing their self-esteem to plummet, they compare themselves with others unfavorably – adding more bricks to the wall of isolation around them. This anger at life eventually points inwards, and prior goals seem unattainable. They often become pressured by most obligations, leaving them feeling ‘stuck’, struggling to make decisions, and fearful of the future. Many people with depression also suffer anxiety as well.
What are some of the side effects of depression?
This lack of fulfillment, and a feeling that life is ‘bland’, often becomes the catalyst for an escape. In marriage, this may be a ‘mid-life crisis’ or an affair – creating a change, then a temporary spark. In children, teenagers, or adults, this need for escape from the negative mind could lead to addictions, such as: self harm, food, dangerous behaviour, alcohol, or drugs. However, these methods often add to a devastating backlash of increased alienation from loved ones, fueling self-disgust and confusion, making matters worse.
All these habitual negative, repetitive thoughts create an avalanche of sad emotions, impacting the body. As depression sets in, restless sleep, reduced sex drive, appetite changes, aches and pains, and fatigue, are common place. Feeling numb and disassociated from life, it is common to hear a depressed person say, ‘I don’t know who I am anymore’ and ‘I don’t know what I want.’ The motivation is greatly impacted, leading to a greater sense of hopelessness, and self-dislike.
How can you help your depressed spouse or family member?
Some partners tell their loved one to ‘harden up’ or ‘get over it’, which only exasperates the situation. Ideally, if your loved one has depression, you can assist them by encouraging them to see a doctor for possible medication and a psychologist or counsellor for therapy. Keep talking to your spouse, keep listening, avoid nasty ‘put down’ comments. As depression is not just ‘in the mind’; it is physical as well, be gentle and assist where you can in practical ways around the household. Being empathetic is important, but knowing helpful strategies is essential.
There is a tool in, Are You Listening? Life is Talking to You, that I encourage you to use, called The Crisis / Life Balance Wheel.
Ask the following questions about your loved one (related to 8 vital areas):
- Thought Patterns (Are their thoughts mostly positive or negative?)
- Self Esteem (Do they have strong self-esteem?)
- Past Grief and Loss (Are they frequently emotional over a past loss or physical or emotional trauma?)
- Emotions (Are their emotions mostly positive or negative?)
- Brain Chemistry (Are they eating well and exercising at least 3 times weekly to improve brain neurotransmitters?)
- Support Networks (Do they have friends they regularly socialize with?)
- Passions (Are they regularly enjoying passions/hobbies?)
- Lifestyle/Career (Do they enjoy their daily activities and are they suffering any financial stress?).
When using this Crisis/Life Balance Wheel for assessment, ask for a Coping or Not Coping, response, which I translate to tick or a cross. When working with depression, It’s all about firstly identifying, then strengthening, areas where a person is not coping well. There are specific tools in the PLP to assist.
What are the signs of suicidal thinking?
Tragically, a person who is not coping in five or more of these 8 x areas is likely to be experiencing suicidal thinking, so be brave and ask them if they have had any suicidal thoughts. If they have had suicidal thoughts, seek professional help immediately and give them Lifeline phone no. 13 11 14 in Australia). Other signs that your loved one may be suicidal may include: feeling hopeless, useless, or saying their goodbyes, giving away possessions, putting legal affairs in order, or talking about dying frequently.
How medicine and therapy can help?
What causes depression? Science suggests that depression is related to an imbalance in the levels of the following neurotransmitters in the brain: serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine, and that depression can be hereditary.
So, does depression cause the imbalance in these neurotransmitters, which has a negative impact on the person’s life OR does the life imbalance cause the imbalance in the neurotransmitters, which causes the depression? It is very much like the chicken and the egg – which came first?
Your doctor can assist with antidepressant medication, which often works well in improving the balance of neurotransmitters. However, we need to work on two levels:
- Keep these brain chemistry levels correct.
- Equip the depressed loved one with strategies for better coping with their relationships and life.
Many of my hundreds of counselling sessions have involved a client with depression. When you know what to look for, what to avoid, and how to help yourself, you can make a huge change in your own, and your loved one’s life. If your loved one has depression, they are drowning…so give them a life line by being supporting, loving, and empathetic, and guide them to get help.
Keep talking, keep listening and keep the connection strong between you and your loved one. Now that you know more about what your loved one is going through, and that depression is an illness, not a choice, this should help you remain empathetic. With therapeutic strategies, lots of love, hope, and support, you should be able to help your loved one improve their life balance, so they can become connected to you, and life, again… which is the direct opposite of depression.Learn More
Author: Phoebe Hutchison
Discover why the process of grief is designed to help you cope, and then heal, from loss.
If you have lost a friend, family member, beloved pet, or even a job, you are most likely going through the GRIEF PROCESS. This process is like a dark cloud that hangs over your life for some time after your loss, protecting you, one stage, one minute, one day at a time, helping you heal…
Your mind, body, and spirit are working hard to Protect You & Stop You from feeling ALL your loss at once by putting you in a state of Grief.
- You are not yourself
Your loss will leave you feeling empty, confused, and overwhelmed. You are simply not yourself at the moment. The process of grieving may leave you feeling disconnected from family, friends, your usual work activities and hobbies. Life does not feel the same…you feel numb. This is normal. Grief wants you to step back from your usual life for a while…as you have a lot of work to do: Grief work.
- You have a one track mind
You will have flashbacks, conversations repeating in your mind, words you ‘should have’ said, things you ‘could have’ done. Then you will be tortured by the ‘What if’s’. ‘What if I was there for you that day, that night?’ What if we did this…did that? You may see images, over and over. You keep shutting them out, but your mind keeps replaying them. This is your mind trying to come to terms with the events you have just been through. Your mind is busy reconciling and processing huge emotions, uncommon events, and possible trauma. This is usual soon after loss.
- Your body is weak
Your body is hurting, as grief is a physical process. It is common to feel aches and pains, as the body is being impacted by the abrupt changes. All these roar emotions take up a lot of energy, as does speaking to people about all the intricate details of the events. The loss is exhausting. You may also be in shock, traumatized, in fight, flight or freeze stage. To help your body, keep in mind that simple foods will make digestion less complicated, so your body can work at maintaining homeostasis. When I am with a client who has just lost a husband, I assure them that toast for tea is fine, for the moment, while they recover. Keep hydrated; avoid alcohol as it is a depressant. Allow others to help you with your responsibilities. If you feel like hiding from the world, conserving energy for a few hours here and there, then do it. Similarly, if you feel like a walk, do it! The neurotransmitter boost from gentle exercise, as well as much needed endorphins, will help your mood and body, and assist sleep. Listen to your body, and never push yourself while grieving, as it is very easy to become over-fatigued.
- You are angry
In this fragile state, you will also experience Anger. Grief can make you angry at the world, or you may feel cheated. You could become furious about the flowers at the funeral, your sister, the weather! The anger is helpful; as it gives you a constructive way to channel your heightened emotions…it gives you a purpose, when all your work/hobbies have been stripped away. ‘Grief Anger’ hurts marriages…so try not to take this anger out on your spouse. This anger is a normal part of grieving, so when you feel like kicking something, make sure it’s a football, not the family dog.
- You can’t concentrate
Your brain is ‘foggy’, and this is frustrating. Be extra careful, as you are not as alert as usual. Your pre-occupation with loss has changed your ability to focus. Some people find themselves becoming frustrated at themselves because they can’t concentrate, when they are shopping, or back at work. Grief won’t let you concentrate…not for long. Why? If you could think clearly, then maybe you could sit and comprehend the enormity of your loss. Grief wants to protect you from this.
- You can’t sleep
So why are you having trouble sleeping? Well, your whole body and mind is in chaos! You swing from too much adrenalin to complete exhaustion, and naturally your brain is impacted. You try to suppress distressful thoughts during the day, so your mind replays them for you while you sleep. Or maybe you over-focus on your loss all day. You may even have a little PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), if you have witnessed the death, seen your loved one just prior to, or after death. Try to take some time out, each day, to switch off, read a magazine or book, watch television, thereby giving the conscious mind a much needed rest.
- You are depressed
Depression sets in. This is a normal part of grief. Depression causes insomnia, fatigue, negative thinking and anger at self. So now you have anger at self AND anger at the world. Your neurotransmitters are impacted, your serotonin and dopamine are most likely out of balance; you are definitely not yourself. You may feel like you have lost some faith in life, and fearful of the future. Many clients with depression also have complicated grief, such as suppressed grief, and sometimes anxiety, at the source of their depression. If the depression, anxiety or sleep issues persist, see a doctor, psychologist or counsellor.
- Your ‘to do’ list in this grief process
Talk about your loved one, and the experience of the loss with others and allow yourself to be immersed in this sadness at times. Make photo boards, talk to the loved one, and celebrate their life in any way you feel. Write letters, record messages on your phone to your loved one, keep discussing your loved one with friends and family. Put photos around your home. Have they really left you? Or are they simply in another form – in another dimension? Your loved one is in your heart, they are part of you…and their spirit – their love – is with you when you most need them. The memories are yours forever…and some people talk about being with their loved one in their dreams.
- Your goal in the Grief Process
The good news is, if you allow the grief process to happen; if you don’t suppress it, or ‘push on and get back to work too early’, your healing will happen. Eventually, this depression should reduce, and your mind and body WILL feel normal again. The ultimate goal of Grief is to arrive at a place of acceptance. In this final stage, you will be in a new phase, where the loss is integrated into your heart. You will perhaps stop seeing your loved one everywhere and be able to focus again on your life with the knowledge that your loved one is still with you, in spirit, and in your heart. These grief clouds will pass, and eventually you will see the sun, and the beauty of life again. without the daily sadness. These days may be your saddest, but you will be happy again.Learn More
Author: Phoebe Hutchison
Know what the causes are, and what you can do, to avoid, or cure, depression.
Almost twenty years ago one of my close friends took his life after not coping with depression. I could not save my friend all those years ago because I didn’t understand depression. However, now as a crisis counsellor and author, I work weekly with clients who are dealing with depression, anxiety, and some have suicidal thoughts. And after five years research (for my latest book), and counselling many clients with depression, I believe I finally UNDERSTAND this illness.
Most of society is focused on the SYMPTOMS of depression, and not the CAUSES.
In conjunction with prescription medication prescribed by a doctor, and any existing mental health plans, we need to go deeper; to the core of depression and address the UNDERLYING issues that contribute to, and are sustaining, the depression.
Most people have heard that depression is a ‘mental illness’, believed to be based on chemical imbalances in the brain… But what causes these chemical balances?
I believe MANY things contribute to these imbalances.
We need to look at a client’s life holistically, and assess these 8 specific areas from The Crisis Wheel, Are You Listening? Life Is Talking to YOU, to get to the core of the depression.
If you or someone you know has depression, ask these 8 simple questions:
- Thought Patterns:
Are they predominantly positive or negative?
- Self Esteem:
How do you see yourself, in the roles you play? Is it overall positive or negative?
- Past unresolved grief/loss/trauma?
Is anything keeping you from living in the present? Fear of the future?
- Emotional status:
What is your most common emotional status? Is it positive or negative?
- Brain Chemicals (exercise/nutrition/prescription and non-prescription drugs):
Do you eat well and exercise frequently?
- Support Networks (family relationships, partner, friends):
Do you feel supported, loved and appreciated? Do you have enough friends? Do you need some relationship strategies?
Are you following your passions? Do you allow time for YOU in your life?
- Lifestyle stressors (career / finances):
Do you work at a job you enjoy? Are finances getting you down?
Then we need to give strategies for the specific areas that are in need of help.
These strategies (all included in my book) include: transforming the subconscious patterns, natural ways to improve brain neurotransmitters, self-assessment, conflict management, assertiveness training (as most people with depression are also oppressed!), psychological therapies such as CBT, mindfulness, grief therapy, gestalt, person centered therapy, understanding and processing emotions, anger management, techniques to minimize fear, changing attitudes to money, fine tuning intuition, rapidly changing negative thought patterns, increasing self-esteem… and much more!
If you are struggling in five or more areas in The Crisis Wheel, suicidal thoughts are likely, so changes need to be made FAST. These assessment methods are fast, effective and clients and readers are thrilled with the transformations – usually within weeks!
Here are two small videos, if you want to learn more about my new book, Are You Listening? Life is Talking to YOU, which is jam packed with strategies to help people cope:
The Book Outline – Topics: http://youtu.be/3gYZTH7MDPI (2 min)
Book Trailer – Overview : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UlSsRHr28P4 (1 min)
* Please SHARE this INFORMATION so more people with depression can experience HOPE and CHANGE – It is my goal to reduce world-wide suicide rates, by helping more people to cope with life and it’s challenges*
Too many people are taking their lives. THERE IS ANOTHER WAY. I have seen these strategies work, time and time again.
Some recent feedback from readers:
‘Finally, I can see that depression doesn’t need to be a life sentence.’
‘People think I’m crazy (because the ideas are unconventional), but I DON’T care, because I am finally happy.’
Another reader, who was suicidal, said, ‘I hardly feel those sad feelings anymore.’
Make this life, YOUR LIFE, be the best it can be. Take YOUR POWER back!Learn More
Better understand the causes, impact, and solutions, for anxiety.
© 2016 Phoebe Hutchison
Have you had anxiety or panic attacks? Learn the causes, impact, and how you can reduce the symptoms of anxiety. You may feel frequently overwhelmed by anxiety, but you don’t have to be trapped in this state forever… but you DO need to understand the causes and seek help.
Symptoms of Anxiety:
Your heart races; you get the sweats. Your mind is uncontrollable, often racing or forgetful; it’s difficult to concentrate. Your adrenal glands are often at full speed, and you are reacting with ‘fight and flight’ too often. You feel as though at any moment you could malfunction or explode, so you avoid many situations and people. Your emotions are often out of control; the panic overcomes you, and with it you may feel disconnected from your surroundings, dizzy, sick in the stomach, or have chest pains. Your sleep and appetite are disrupted, leaving you feeling unwell and fatigued.
Impact of Anxiety:
Your anxiety may impact your work, relationships, belief in yourself, and trust in life. Many people with anxiety ‘self-medicate’ or attempt to escape, with drugs or alcohol. Sadly, drugs or alcohol further add to the neurotransmitter imbalances in the brain. You feel mental, but you are not! You are a victim of circumstance. You are still suffering from the past intolerable situation that has become deeply ingrained in your subconscious. Most people don’t understand you, as you often look ‘all together’, but this is your own personal hell, and you’ve been suffering from anxiety for years!
Causes of Anxiety:
At the heart of most anxiety is trauma, even from ten or twenty years ago. The impact of the trauma is deeply ingrained in your subconscious, causing a fear based belief system which has changed your perception of life and impacted your speech, behaviour, and reality.
Some possible reasons for your anxiety:
- Childhood abuse (Physical, Verbal or Sexual)
- Witnessing a traumatic incident
- Being involved in a car accident
- Negative thinking (habitual)
- Abusive relationship (Past or current)
- Diagnosed Conditions: Depression, OCD, PTSD, Personality Disorders, Bi-Polar, etc,.
- Acquired brain injury or Large blow to head
- Past heavy drug or alcohol abuse
- Past Bullying
- Past trauma when you felt powerless – Event or Natural Disaster
Impact of Trauma:
When traumatized, you will often have flashbacks, sleep disruption, nightmares, avoidance of people and places, anger, guilt, shame, low self-esteem, feelings of hopelessness, and maybe thoughts of suicide.
When you have significant trauma, your body replays the traumas like a record player that is stuck – your trauma plays over and over. As a consequence, your body gets trapped in the world of triggers. You may frequently find yourself becoming hypervigilant, fearful, jumpy, on edge, and of course, angry. It doesn’t take much, and you are like a volcano erupting. Standard counselling techniques may not be enough to end this torment. Your anxiety may be the result of years of trauma, or it could be a part of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, where you have been in a ‘life death’ situation. Maybe you didn’t view an event as serious, but your mind/body are still having trouble resolving and processing the events. You need an expert in trauma; or someone who is trained in Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder – someone who works on three levels: Mind, Subconscious Mind and Body.
What can you do to help yourself right now?
- LISTEN TO AND CHALLENGE YOUR THOUGHTS
With over 70,000 thoughts per day, this is going to be a challenge. You have been programmed by friends, family, teachers, and life, to see yourself and life a certain way – either negative or positive. You are also programming yourself every day. It’s vital to listen to your thoughts, to ensure you are not criticising yourself or making incorrect assumptions about circumstances. You may need help, using CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) with a counsellor or psychologist, to improve your thoughts, to ensure you don’t get into the habit of ‘black and white’ thinking, etc., which just inflames anxiety.
Aim for at least three 30 minute brisk walks per week, to improve the balance of serotonin and dopamine in your brain. These are key in improving you sense of well-being. Also, when you exercise, you are actively reducing cortisol, which is a stress hormone that makes anxiety worse. In addition, exercise creates endorphins, which is nature’s way of making you feel great, and emotionally more resilient.
- GIVE YOUR BODY REST
Anxiety causes an overload on many of your organs, your nervous system, and your adrenal glands. Try listening to music or using meditation to slow down or distract yourself from erratic thoughts. Take time out daily, just for you, to focus on relaxation, your hobbies, and rejuvenating. Support your overwhelmed body by staying well. Avoid illness that is common from anxiety. Rest the body, and the mind will follow.
- EAT HEALTHY AND REGULAR MEALS
Quality carbohydrates and proteins are key to improving your serotonin levels, ensuring you have continued strength, and that your blood sugar levels are more consistent. Many people with anxiety skip meals, and don’t eat well, adding to the overload on the brain and body.
- SIT IN THE SUN
Aim for fifteen minutes daily in the sun. This will help you absorb vitamin D, and make you more relaxed. Being kind to yourself is key to changing your life. When you start with small steps, these can become big steps.
- LIVE FOR YOU
Constantly ask yourself, ‘What do I feel like doing right now?’ Too many people live for others, leaving them feeling controlled or overwhelmed. When you feel unheard, disrespected, or manipulated, this sense of powerlessness only adds to your fatigue, and contributes to anxiety. Take your power back.
- ASK FOR HELP
Healthy emotional boundaries are important in improving your emotions. If you need help, reach out for help. Anxiety is exhausting, and you may need help in many areas of your life, while you are working towards a calmer mind and body.
- STOP BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF
You didn’t ask to be traumatized, did you? No-one asks for anxiety. This happened TO you. It’s not your fault, but you can change your thought and lifestyle habits. You are not inadequate; you are suffering. You usually can’t fix this alone.
- SEE YOUR DOCTOR
See your doctor and ask for the Mental Health Plan for your FREE (or subsidized) 6-10 counselling sessions with a psychologist who specializes in trauma and anxiety. The doctor may also recommend medication to improve an imbalance of neurotransmitters in your brain, such as Serotonin or Dopamine, or beta blockers.
- GO DEEP – GET PROFESSONAL HELP FOR YOUR TRAUMA WITH A SPECIALIST
Following are three techniques that can help reduce trauma – working with thoughts, The Mind, The Subconscious Mind and The Body. These ‘deep’ methods have caused many people to experience profound healing and change. Feel free to Google these techniques to learn more and find the psychologist/therapist in your area who specializes in one of these three techniques:
(Founder Peter Levine): Learn to heal trauma by working with a somatic trained therapist to regulate emotions and body, in the here and now.
EMDR: Eye Movement Desensitization
(Founder Dr Shapiro): Learn to heal trauma by re-processing the memories in the subconscious, by working with a therapist trained in EMDR.
(Founder David Grand): Learn how the eyes and subconscious work together to find the spots of trauma in the subconscious, then release and re-process these emotions and trauma by working with a therapist trained in Brainspotting. www.brainspottingaustraliapacific.com.au
Work in the present moment, and discover feelings that have been suppressed as well as learn how to accept and trust your emotions.
Heal the past and enjoy your life. You deserve to experience more peace, control, and happiness and re-connect to life again. It all starts with you… I want you to have the best life possible. With these tools, and with a little help from a trauma expert, healing is possible.Learn More
How to handle the problem person in your life; whether it be a workmate, friend, family member or associate. Understand why these relationships can be so problematic, and how you can navigate these waters well.
Coping with a Challenging Relationship
© January 2018 Phoebe Hutchison
A challenging relationship with a workmate, family member, associate, or friend, can be intensely stressful, and even contribute to depression, anxiety or health issues, if prolonged. Some dysfunctional relationships are made worse by many unpleasant exchanges, over many years.
When someone treats you poorly, you are likely to be emotionally and physically impacted. You may feel sad, helpless, and fatigued or furious and restless. The nervous system, sensing ‘an attack’, may become activated in a ‘fight, flight or freeze response’ increasing adrenalin throughout the body, so you can defend yourself (fight) or ignore and walk away (flight) or you may feel frozen and unable to defend yourself (freeze). As your thoughts continually re-enact the event, you may have trouble sleeping, eating or concentrating, while feeling sick or suffering from gastrointestinal issues.
We seem to re-experience negative communication patterns in life until the original traumas are worked through and resolved. Past unresolved traumas that are similar to the current situation may be ‘triggering’ your nervous system, causing an apparent over-reaction. For example, perhaps your father yelled at you when you spoke up as a child, and now as an adult, you feel unable to defend yourself at work or home. You may feel frozen, and overwhelmed, in many situations.
Examine all the factors in the challenging situation, to gain insight. What was happening at the time and during the lead up to the current incident? Were you upset about anything else? How were you physically… tired or hungry? Identify any physiological conditions that may have contributed, such as ill health or hormonal issues. In addition, it’s often not about the words or actions, but the underlying feelings. How did the the words and actions make you feel? Unwelcome, belittled, unheard, or furious? These negative emotions, when dwelled apon for days, are likely to temporarily impact your happiness and brain chemistry (oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin). Exercise is a wonderful way to improve your brain chemistry and mood by increasing endorphins and reducing cortisol… so start walking.
It’s in your hands
After a stressful event, it’s common to continually re-examine all the words and actions in your mind. Why did they yell at me? Do they like me? Why did no-one stick up for me? Avoid trying to psychoanalyze the other person. (Some people simply have nasty intentions). Look at yourself instead. We all have scripts, based on ideas about how we think we should behave. What script allows someone to treat you poorly? Are you saying to yourself: ‘I should never answer back.’ ‘I should always be polite.’ ‘I should always visit my parents, even if they abuse me?’ In all abusive relationships, from the bully at work, to the emotional abuser in a marriage, it takes two people: One to be the abuser, and the other to tolerate the abuse. We are always teaching others how to treat us. If we tolerate poor treatment, we will continue to receive poor treatment… sometimes for years!
- Confront: If someone treats you poorly, confront them, using assertiveness, such as ‘I statements’, such as: “I feel…”, “I need…”, or “I want…”. If someone is yelling at you, you may say, ‘I feel upset as I feel like you are attacking me,’ in a calm and polite way. Avoid ‘you statements’. Saying, ‘You can’t control your anger!’, would inflame the situation.
- Be A Victim: Avoid being a victim by allowing poor treatment to continue. A victim is someone who blames others, feels powerless, and bitches and complains to others. They may get sympathy from listeners, but are likely to remain saddened, and feeling powerless, while the role of victim may become further ingrained in their consciousness.
If you are in a workplace or school, bring up bullying with management. If the challenging relationship is with ‘an associate’, be polite, then run away to the other side of the room fast, before they can be negative!
Getting back to peace
So, how do you stop your normally positive thoughts from being ‘hijacked’ by negativity? It’s been said we have approximately 70,000 thoughts per day, so we need to work hard to reduce negative thinking following a stressful encounter. Thoughts continually ‘pop into your mind’, called automatic thoughts. However, you have a choice about what to ‘dwell on’, so keep redirecting your mind from negative, to positive thoughts. Work on mindfulness, focus on nature, think about what you’re doing right now, avoid obsessing over the past or thinking fear based thoughts about the future (catastrophizing). Use distraction, such as reading a magazine or book, getting involved at work, watching a movie, talking about other things. Avoid bitching about the other ‘problem person’ as bitching will put you back in victim mode, and keep you on the ‘negative thoughts channel’.
If continual negative thoughts is leaving you feeling stressed or unhappy, seek help from a psychologist, or counsellor such as myself for help with CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) for thought management or Brainspotting Therapy to help heal past traumas. You deserve to be happy.Learn More
Why Addicts Need Love
© 2018 Phoebe Hutchison
Working with people who have addiction is by far the most complex of all counselling. Why?
Clients with addiction, usually have so many other complications; whether it be food addiction, sex addiction, or drug and alcohol addiction. The addict usually also has anxiety, depression and/or relationship issues, as well as self dislike and financial struggle. They often feel helpless, angry, and trapped in this cycle.
Life often began with trauma, instability, neglect or abuse in their childhood. From this, their brains and nervous systems developed differently. Their reward pathways respond differently. And when they finally find ‘that thing’ that gives them the escape, pleasure, or the peace, their unstable nervous system and brain feel stable – they become ‘hooked’, and life becomes a ‘hell roller coaster’ of pleasure, pain, escapism, avoidance,
disconnection and shame.
Drugs or alcohol start as fun for most people, but … the man who spent years partying with friends, now sits alone smoking cones in his bedroom at his parent’s house… in his fifties. The pretty girl at high school is now in her forties, injecting herself with heroin, with a scarred face, no work, and suffers chronic anxiety and depression, claustrophobia, agoraphobia, and struggles to leave the house.
The partes and the fun ended decades ago, and now these lives are like warzones.
Often the addiction starts in their formative years, even as young as eight. The addiction becomes so integrated
into their identity that it becomes a part of how they see them self as they grow, develop and socialize.
Addiction can be thought of as a pair of invisible crutches that a person uses to help them through a tough time. However, they are often unable to release the crutches without professional help, and as a consequence, they do not heal all the invisible wounds.
Addiction is the warzone that causes scars and turmoil in: self-esteem, thought patterns, unresolved grief, emotional vulnerability, poor nutrition and low fitness, social isolation, avoidance of hobbies and passions. The addict is often not happy with themself or what they do in life.
So how can we help someone who is addicted?
Professional help is usually needed for this complicated area. An empathetic and capable addiction counsellor will work with the client to ensure that first of all this person has the help they need for them to feel more stable, loved, confident and more engaged in life. Once the client has many coping strategies, and he or she can begin to see hope for the future. The counsellor can then help this person rebuild their life from the ground up.
When the addict is able to see themselves in a more positive way, when they can have more positive thoughts, they will start to repair their life and move closer to being able to ‘let go’ of their addiction. The healing comes before the release.
Drug and alcohol counsellors help clients into full (or partial) recovery from: crystal methamphetamine (ice), marijuana, cigarettes and alcohol, and ‘give these clients their lives back’. We are simply guiding them, and giving them the tools, for a fulfilling life, and in many cases, doing trauma release work. Essentially, though, the client is doing the work – which is changing their mind, body and soul.
When clients experience dramatic ‘shifts’ and healing, and when they start to love what they do, who they are, and when they have hope for a better future, they no longer need to keep escaping with addiction.
Once we work through the grief, the trauma, the horrors of what we have been through, the beautiful soul underneath
is free to simply enjoy life and be present in each moment. No ‘long term’ drug addict truly wants to be a drug addict.
I don’t believe that long term addicts enjoy being addicts. The habits of addiction can be stopped. Once an addict sees
themself with love, the healing journey begins. A drug and alcohol counsellor is not someone there to tick the boxes.
A drug and alcohol counsellor, in my opinion, is a counsellor who is worthy to help heal the most complicated in all
human suffering… The addict.
I sneak into your life, and you believe that I am your friend, a safe place, that I’ll numb you or make you feel amazing. I’ll give you energy so that you can do things that you can’t do without me. I promise you that I’ll be there, so we can soar together through the highest of highs. I am reliable; I deliver. I am there whenever you need me.
But I’ll steal your soul, take away all that’s important to you while you are not looking. I’ll turn you into an angry, unstable, and abusive person. I’ll hijack your brain, and I’ll make you obsess about me. Instead of food, sleep, people… you’ll prefer to sit alone with me.
I’ll turn you into a liar too. You’ll lie to others to hide our relationship, and you’ll lie to yourself, saying I’m good for you. As you waste away in your body, you’ll tell yourself that you’re not addicted to me; that you can stop any time you want. You think I’ve been there through all the good times in your life, and I make life fun. However, I have simply hijacked your brain, and am nothing more than a brain chemical cocktail that your neurotransmitters and reward pathway have become accustomed to.
When we met, you were in your teens, and we had fun together. We’d go out, we’d party hard, the times we had were unbelievable. It’s over 20 years later, and those highs haven’t really been there have they?
I don’t give to you, all I do is take, and if you’re not careful, I will take your friends, family, finances, job, and I may take your life. Once upon a time, I made you feel invincible, yet now you hate yourself because of what you’ve become… because of what I make you do. I give you obsessional thoughts and cravings and make you feel out of your mind, sometimes even psychotic. With me, you may do things you will regret, such as cheat on your partner, rape, bash, steal, degrade or even prostitute yourself.
The more you hate yourself, the more you turn to me. I create a divide in your soul. You can see glimpses of a life without me. Yet, the time that I give you, in peaceful bliss, numbed out or high, is so small compared to the hours and hours you have to suffer waiting for us to get together again. I give you more pain than pleasure. I constantly lie to you, I’m inside your head, in your brain. I don’t care about you. It doesn’t worry me that you could end up living in a shack, with no money for food, or become homeless. You are on a rollercoaster of emotions. Yet, I tell you over and over, that this is life; other people are to blame, it is not you, as we are a team.
I am one of the devastating things on this earth, yet I can be purchased in a bottle but just $40, or from a dealer for less than $100 bucks. Our relationship can end, but we may need professional help. We are complicated! You can do it! Millions have recovered. You don’t need me. You’re 100% better off without me. I won’t even miss you. I’ve got millions of other people’s lives to destroy.
When you stop lying to yourself about us, we can go separate ways. Neuroplasticity will change the structure of your brain, and receptor cells will drop off. Most of what I’ve stolen from you will return. You’ll have more friends, money, better relationships with your family, you’ll be able to work better, stop lying to yourself, and most importantly of all, you’ll start to like yourself again. You will feel whole, but you will have to learn how to cope with your emotions, rebuild your relationships, set new goals, and much more, to recover from me, a liar called Addiction. Once you like yourself enough, and you get help, you will experience amazing healing. I will become a distant memory, and you will be the driver in your life again!
© 2020 Phoebe Hutchison